October 15th,

Well…I’m back at work at GIJOE headquarters after a relaxing trip home. The minute I got out of the jeep and into the PIT I was on duty and sent out to patrol with Spirit despite my jet lag. No rest for the weary!

So much for a gradual transition back to work!

When I returned from my rounds for lunch I found Flint waiting for me outside the mess. He had just flown in from a mission in Asia where, he told me in a gruff tone, he, Beachhead, Lowlight and the others had been ‘used’ by the spooks. He couldn’t tell me more than that…it was one of those ‘don’t ask don’t tell deals’ that our team is assigned to every so often…but from the look on his face he was less than thrilled about the whole thing despite its success.

Flint hates the CIA with a passion. Although he will follow orders and attempt not to make too much of a fuss, he will never trust them entirely. That’s probably why Hawk sent him out to lead that mission…knowing Flint would never let down his guard around an agent and will diligently keep his eye out for any sign of foul play.

Anyhow…he sent me off to get changed and then dragged me out to a private spot under the open sky just inside the perimeter where we did some Tai Chi.

I knew then that the mission had gotten to him and Flint really needed to cool off.

Snakes introduced me to the relaxation technique around the time I first joined the Joes. The tension of the job is a shock to the system despite any training and experience you might have with the military. Given that I was still relatively ‘green’ compared to the others, having been recruited to Joe after only four years in the Army, the pressure hit me harder than most. Scarlett suggested Tai Chi as a way to deal with it, and sent me to the ninja for lessons.

Tai Chi can best be described as a moving form of yoga and meditation combined. There are a number of so-called forms which consist of a sequence of movements. Many of these are originally derived from the martial arts although the way they are performed in Tai Chi is slowly, softly and gracefully with smooth and even transitions between them.

For me the focus in doing them is not martial, but as a meditative exercise for the body and mind. For people like Snakes the combat aspects of Tai Chi are of considerable interest. But no matter your focus, it helps foster calm and tranquility.

Needless to say with my dance background from Julliard, the graceful movements of Tai Chi appealed to me immediately and I caught on quickly. Learning to do the ‘forms’ correctly provided a practical avenue for working such things as balance, alignment, fine-scale motor control, rhythm of movement…all things so important to a dancer.

It never fails to relax me.

I in turn introduced it to Flint…who surprisingly enough became quite good. He doesn’t engage in it as often as I do, but when something is really bothering him and he can’t or won’t talk about it, he will go through a routine until he gets himself back under control.

I love to watch him move through the different motions. He wears only his combat pants and his dog tags and exudes a masculine grace and strength with every movement, his muscles defined and tight, his eyes distant. I actually have to struggle to concentrate on my own movements, preferring to admire him…

…Yeah…drool over him is more like it Burnett! Admit it, even after all this time he is still has quite an affect on you.

In any case, I am glad I did finally manage to focus. I needed to wrap my head around some things as well…concerns that my trip had brought to the forefront.

Although it’s always good to get away to rest and relax, clear your head…to tell you the truth, when this vacation was coming to an end, I didn’t really want to come back.

Yeah…I know…I guess I miss my old life sometimes. Lately, though…I’ve been thinking about it more often. I’ve been in the army for almost a decade, with the Joes for half that time…I wonder sometimes if it is time to move on?

I love my career. I love being a part of this team, but being ‘on overdrive’ twenty four seven, risking your life every other day…it’s a high- pressure job. And to tell you the truth, I’m not getting any younger.

I’m going to be 31 this year and for some shocking and surprising reason, I can feel my biological clock starting to tick despite my horror at the prospect of having children. I don’t know when it got jump started, but it strengthened as I watched my cousin Duncan and his fiancée…who is 4 year my junior and yet he is already talking about family! Then there is Connor, who is my age and is married…his wife now 4 months pregnant.

They know better than to ask about my personal life, but even though it was never brought up, I started to ask MYSELF some very hard questions…

I had always thought it would be nice to live my life like my Aunt Sarah. She never married, choosing instead to remain free to pursue her travels and career. She always seemed so happy and content with her lot. She had always had my cousins and I if she felt the urge to hang with children, and there was always a gentlemen friend to be had when she needed that type of companionship. She is an attractive woman even now!

She had her art, her dogs, her home, her garden, her friends…what more could she ask for?

Quite a bit, it seems.

The day before I left, Aunt Sarah and I went for a walk with her dogs, hiking through the countryside enjoying the brisk morning air and the colorful sights of autumn. About an hour into it, she broke the silence with a statement.

“I do have regrets, you know…”

I turned to her in surprise and she smiled sadly and began to tell me that if she could go back and do it all again she would have married and had children of her own. She is happy with her life, but she can’t help but wonder what it would have been like had she let go of the fierce independent streak that pushed her away from having any serious relationships or a family of her own.

As much as she hated to admit it, she envied my father who had me…and she envied my Uncle Connor as well, who has now been married for almost 35 years to a wonderful woman and had two beautiful boys.

I really didn’t know what to say to her. Its not like I had never considered marriage. Shawn and I had spoken of it many times, and were in fact planning to get engaged as soon as I finished up my degree. You know what happened there…

And as far as children were concerned…well…petrifying would be a mild way of describing what that meant to me. And yet I found myself watching my cousin’s wife with more than just mild curiosity and a fair bit of fear…but with something akin to envy…almost yearning… “You are not at all like her, you know…” As if reading my thoughts, as she always seemed to be able to do, my Aunt took my hand and squeezed it. “…you are more Burnett than Hart.”

I smiled then, thinking that this woman was more a mother to me than Katherine Hart ever was. We sat in silence for a while before she continued.

“I know your career is important to you, and though I admit to being not quite sure of what it is you are doing over there in America, I know that you love it. You have grown into a confident, strong, beautiful woman…and I do suspect that the military has had a good deal to do with it. But don’t let it stop you from pursuing other things. Don’t let it or your own fears stop you from building a family of your own while you are still young and able to do so.”

A family of my own…

Is that even possible? Could I do it? Could I be a good wife…a good mother?

And wouldn’t that require a willing partner?

Flint is lying next to me asleep, having come over to my quarters after we finished up our duties.

Every day I spend with him lately, I find myself loving him more. It seems that after admitting my feelings to myself I have somehow opened the gate and allowed that love to grow stronger…despite my better judgment. Sometimes the feeling is so strong that it hurts…and that growing intensity is also causing the disappointment and hurt he inadvertently causes me on occasion to strengthen as well.

Sometimes I feel like our relationship like a roller coaster … and I can find no way of getting off. Extreme ups and downs…terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.

Even after all this time there is so much that has been left unsaid… So much that has yet to be resolved…I can’t help but feel that I am heading for heartbreak…

What is going to happen to us when one or both of us leave the team? What is going to happen to our relationship if GIJOE disbands? Can it survive in the real world? Would he even try to keep it going? Does he see a future for us?

Does he want a family?

Does he love me?

Does he even want to try marriage again?

Yes…again.

I guess I have let it out of the bag. Dashiell has been married before. I don’t know why I found it so surprising when I finally found out, he is 35 and it would be odd if he didn’t have a ‘history’ with another woman. It’s just that he NEVER talks about it.

EVER.

Not even now.

I learned about Karen when one of his brother’s slipped up in a conversation he was having with me over the phone, and I pumped the rest of the details out of Roadblock, who was very reluctant to share the story with me at all.

Flint had always been a bit of a ladies man…picking up beautiful woman here and there, never really committing to anyone. That is until he met Karen Singer. Marvin told me he loved her from the moment he laid eyes on her…

They were married after one short year of dating, and Dash was devoted to her. He was still an arrogant bad ass, but Marvin tells me that with her he was such a pussycat that I would hardly have recognized him.

One thing you should know about Flint…he is extremely loyal. Once you are on his ‘A’ list he will stand by you through thick and thin, he will defend you to the death and never betray your trust.

He demands the same of his friends.

Karen, unfortunately, didn’t measure up.

About two years into the marriage, Flint came home early from a mission with Duke’s special force and found her with another man. A CIA agent named Devon Greer who had been a close friend of his since university.

The divorce was finalized a short month later. Apparently Karen didn’t even apologize…didn’t even try to get him back…

All Dash ever said to his friends after the papers were signed was “Thank god there were no kids…” That was it.

He never spoke of her again.

Marvin tells me that Dash was never the same since. He went back to being his usual arrogant self, to being the ultimate ladies man and kick-ass soldier. He dove into his career with an almost single minded intensity, driving through everything he did with flair and style.

His heart was broken though…not to mention his pride had taken a crushing blow. He never let himself get close to any other woman. They were short- term companions only. Sure he could be charming…sure he loved to party...but it was superficial. He would never admit it but he had been hurt so badly that the scars were still with him now, so many years later.

According to Marvin, I am the first woman he has been remained involved with for more than 6 months. That with me he sometimes sees the old Dash…the sensitive romantic that had all but died the day he found his wife in bed with another man.

In fact, that was the only reason he was telling me all this. He wanted me to understand where his friend was coming from. He wanted me to be patient with him…and not get myself too frustrated when it seemed like the man didn’t care whether I lived or died. Roadblock saw something between us. He didn’t want me giving up…

He also wanted me to understand why Flint always got so jealous. Can you blame him?

I’m sorry Roadblock. I betrayed your trust didn’t I? That time in Sierra Gordo…I played with Dash’s heart that day…I used what you told me in confidence as a weapon.

You tried to warn me. You told me to stop…but I didn’t listen!

Sigh* I can’t talk about this anymore…I just wish sometimes…no…I can’t…yes...I admit it…I wish I knew what Karen had that I don’t. I am jealous of her…jealous that she had his heart and angry as hell at her for trampling all over it.

And I wonder what went on behind the scenes…what secret is Dash still holding inside?

Will he ever get over it? He trusts me with his life…why can’t he trust me with his heart?

Because you pull things like you did with Gorky…that’s why stupid!

I had better get some sleep. I have a meeting with Chuckles tomorrow. He’s our new covert ops guy. He’s pretty nice…I just wish he wasn’t horning in on my territory.

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