September 27th

Ok…Now I am really starting to worry.

Not only is Scarlett still missing but now Snakes Eyes has gone after her, leaving in such an angry rush that he nearly knocked me over on his way out of his training room.

He had asked me over to drill me on what I knew…which to be honest was exactly nothing. I mean, I had heard the rumor. Everyone had at this point…it was making the rounds of the PIT, spreading like wildfire.

Scarlett had betrayed the Joes and gone over to COBRA.

Snakes was less than pleased by my response, and if he could he would probably have been yelling at me in frustration. Instead, his signing grew frantic and curt…angry. I was Intelligence after all…I would have to know something about this. To tell you the truth I was pretty pissed myself. He was right…I SHOULD know what was going on…but here I was completely in the dark.

I have my suspicions, however. There is no way in hell Red would ever turn traitor, so that left only one possible scenario. She has infiltrated COBRA on orders from above. Conflicting emotions assailed me at that point…fear and worry for my friend who had been sent on a dangerous mission…and jealousy, because this was the type of thing that fell under MY specialty. Why hadn’t I been given the assignment?

In any case, I could see from the fire that began to burn in the ninja’s eyes when I mentioned my conclusion that I had confirmed his own fears. Although after what happened with Storm Shadow I am sure there was relief in them as well. I don’t know if he would survive long if he found out that Shana had become Mindbender’s latest victim.

The man is so devoted to her. As much as I criticize their relationship, I sometimes envy the two of them. There are no barriers. No walls despite Snake’s inability to verbalize his love for her. You can see it in his eyes, you can infer it from his body language when he is around her, it screams out with every sacrifice he makes for her.

He would give his life for her, and she would do the same for him.

When he realized I knew very little, he turned and began to pack his things quickly. I knew then that he was going to pull her out, against orders I might add.

As he flew around the room I came to a decision. The woman was like a sister to me, there was no way I was going to leave her to the mercy of the enemy. I grabbed Snakes by the arm and told him that I was going with him, he was going to need backup and I was the one to provide it. He shook his head ‘no’ but I persisted…insisting that he take me…he just needed to give me a minute to gather my things and I would meet him at the airfield.

He stared at me in silence for a full minute considering my offer before signing quickly.

‘No…you stay HERE. You cannot follow me where I am going…’

I told him that was a load of crap and he had better get over himself, ‘cause with Stalker off on a mission he was going to need someone to cover his ass. (Hey, I’m swearing an awful lot lately…I must be hanging out with Gung Ho and Leatherneck too much!).

He smiled at me then…and put a hand on my shoulder in gratitude before pointing up.

There, in the rafters…were the members of Ninja Force…silent, armed…and looking very deadly despite the absolutely ridiculous outfits they are forced to wear. It was almost as bad as the neon uniforms from Eco-Force.

Hee Hee, I got a LOT of mileage out of that little hiccup in his Flint’s military career. Oh, the zingers I threw in his direction! Hilarious! I nearly choked on my soda trying not to laugh when he walked off that chopper after his battle with Cesspool.

Anyhow, Storm Shadow grinned down at me and said in his matter of fact tone…

‘Don’t worry…he is not going alone.”

I was going to argue with him, but I knew it was futile. He was right, of course…I could fight but I was no martial arts master…I would be a hindrance more than an asset. And I am sure in the back of his mind Snakes was just trying to keep me safe.

Its not like he hasn’t pulled something like this on me before. The land mind incident in Grenada comes immediately to mind…

Grenada.

My first real vacation since I joined the Joes.

My first vacation with Flint.

Flint and Scarlett had arranged the whole thing, planning the trip like little co-conspirators despite the fact that they were doing it for entirely different reasons. Shana wanted to get Snakes out of the PIT in order to help him get his mind off Stalker and the others who were being held prisoner in Borovia. We had all been ordered to leave them…and it was killing the man. He and Stalker went way back…

Flint, on the other hand, wanted to spend some time with me away from work, but was too afraid to take do it on his own. He didn’t want me to get the wrong impression. According to the ‘laws of Flint’, there are three things that you didn’t do with a woman unless you were very serious.

Go car shopping together (once you buy a car together you might as well be married)

Meet the parents

Romantic Vacations

Our relationship, as it was, was going well. And when Red finally clued me in to where we were heading, I admit to looking forward to it. I was not disappointed…at least at first…and despite everything that ended up going down I will always remember the little Caribbean hideaway with fondness.

Flint and I had a wonderful time. Once away from GIJOE he became less grating and more relaxed…although he did start pushing Snake’s buttons for a little while there on the beach before Scarlett was forced to shut him up lest he get the ninja going on the Borovia thing again.

We walked on the beach, sat by the pool, windsurfed, snorkled…we didn’t fight once. Well…there was that one little episode with the octopus. I HATE those things…and of course Flint, being his usual juvenile self, decided to throw one on me while I was half asleep sunning myself on the sand.

The resulting scene caused even Snakes to crack a smile. Scarlett returned the traumatized creature to the water, as Flint was too busy rolling in the sand laughing and I was practically up a tree trying to avoid it. The poor slimy, gross thing swam off in a huff.

I swear I had suction cup marks on my back for hours afterwards.

But what I most remember was one beautiful evening, a clear starry night, on a cliff overlooking the water.

He had dragged me up there after having discovered it earlier in the day when Snakes and he had gone hiking. Neither of them wanted to spend time at the spa with Red and I, and had escaped early in the morning, leaving us alone to do our ‘girl’ things.

We sat under the stars watching the water, his arms around me as I leaned into him, talking quietly about this and that. I remember, we were discussing literature…his favorite subject, comparing the written word of the novel to the spoken word of the storytelling I so loved.

It was a long-standing debate between us, which was the more powerful medium of expression. As far as I could tell, I was losing the argument…Dash was just so eloquent and passionate when he spoke of his favorite novels, I admit I couldn’t quite keep up my end.

That night…he squeezed my arm, flashing me that lop sided grin of his, and asked me to prove my point. Tell him a story…

I hesitated…I don’t know why I was nervous. I had listened to enough stories growing up, and I was an actress after all. It’s just I had always been on the receiving end, and the whole exercise usually brought back memories of my father. I didn’t know if I was ready to let Flint see me vulnerable.

And then there was the whole question as to whether or not I could do the tales justice. So much of the teller goes into each phrase, each word…so much is dependant upon the skill of the ‘bard’ that it is easy to ruin it. Storytelling was a gift…my father had it, so did his father before him. Did I have it in me?

There was only one way I was going to find out. I looked out on the water and closed my eyes. I thought of the all the legends that I had heard sitting on my father’s knee. I remembered all the tales that had been told at the pubs in Ireland late at night…

…The sounds of the water crashing against the shore filled my senses, reminding me of home. The images of the shipwrecks that we had seen on the ocean floor while snorkeling the day before floated through my head…

…and suddenly, I felt the words come to me…I began.

“Contrary to many landsmen’s beliefs, it is not the dogwatch, from four to eight at night, that sailors hate; it is the midwatch, from midnight to four in the morning. These are long hours, slow and unchanging, when the seaman’s only company is wind and wave, when his shipmates sleep below, when his own strength is at its lowest ebb. Disaster can strike then, borne on the night wind and carried by the changing tide. The midwatch is the time when the sea gives up its dead. For rooted to the ocean floor, never sleeping, never free, drowned sailors rocked in the current, their bodies prey to sea creatures, their souls haunting the surface and begging for release…” (author’s note: from Water Spirits - Time Life)

I remember that it was like being in a trance, like I was a vessel for a higher power, some old pagan god who was channeling the story through me. The Gaelic lilt that adorned my speech became thicker as I played with the words, teasing them, shaping them as they came off my tongue…

Dash sat mesmerized as I related to him the tale of the Flying Dutchman…of ghost ships and sailors, calling the living to a watery grave…I told him the tale of the woman who, lantern in hand, haunted the Cornish coast by night…a ghost who left no footsteps in the sand as she passed, tormented by grief and eternally searching for an infant who had died offshore…and I told him of the Kelpie…the water spirit of Scottish rivers and Lochs who stands by the shore in the form of a beautiful horse, waiting for a man unwise enough to mount him…

When I was done we sat in silence, Dash staring at me with can only be described as wonder in his eyes…

I remember feeling embarrassed by it all…as if I had just shown him some deep and very private part of my soul…laid it bare before him. This was not like getting on stage and playing Ophelia in front of 300 people, which I had done many times. This was deeply personal…

Before I could turn away, I felt his hand brush my cheek gently. I looked up at him and he smiled, whispering in his best ‘tennis announcer voice’…‘Advantage Burnett’ before leaning leaned forward to kiss me.

Oh that kiss…there was such feeling to it. Such passion and tenderness…such love and desperation. He had never kissed me like that before…

Too bad Scarlett and Snakes interrupted us! Grrrr…I was a little peeved, and Flint looked…well he looked sheepish…and then…relieved?

Our vacation ended early after that night. Snakes and Red stepped on a land mine during the walk from the beach to the hotel and for all intents and purposes disappeared off the face of the planet. Of course, I know now that this had been planned all along, that the two of them had staged their deaths in order to go and free Stalker, Quick Kick and Snow Job from that Borovian prison camp, but at the time it was devastating.

Flint immediately took charge of the situation and called in the military to search for the bodies. I am glad he was there because I was in complete shock and was having trouble functioning. Two people who I considered to be my closest friends on earth were gone. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t speak. Grief threatened to overwhelm me…

…but I didn’t cry. I stood with my head bowed and my arms crossed over my chest, silent…but in control…while Flint called headquarters and spoke with Hawk. Nothing seemed to phase him. He was a pure professional that day, dragging me around with him as he took care of business, every so often looking over his shoulder to see if I was still there…like I was puppy he had to make sure didn’t wander off.

That night, though…as we returned to our hotel room…he stood in silence as I sat on the edge of the bed, catatonic. I didn’t want him to see me cry…I didn’t want him to think I was weak. I didn’t want to break down in front of tough-boy Flint, the consummate soldier, the tough guy.

But Flint had left the building. What was left was only Dash…and for the first time in our relationship I was seeing his walls come down…

I knew it the moment he opened his mouth…and in a soft, trembling voice, said my name…

“Alison…”

That was all it took…the tears began to fall and he quickly gathered me up into his arms, whispering words of comfort, soothing me with his voice, with his hands, as he held me close. I felt him shaking as well and looked up to see a single tear falling down his cheek.

That night...as I cried in his arms…we made love. Yes yes I know…I had been sleeping with him up until this point. Why do I keep talking about this like it was the first time?

Because in many ways it was…

Sex with Flint up until that point, albeit wonderful, was just that…sex. It was passionate and wild, it was fun and pleasurable. He was pretty good in bed. Ok…he was very good in bed. That exasperating confidence of his tended to translate well to the bedroom.

But that night…it changed. It became something more. There was a tenderness there, a slow and gentle warmth that I had never felt from him. Each touch was soft and filled with feeling, each kiss was velvet smooth and loving. I was making love to Dashiell…

There is a difference between having sex and making love. And that night we crossed the boundary.

Sigh*

I knew then something had changed between us. I knew then that my feelings for him were more than just those of a casual fling. I think he did too, and it scared him. So in typical Flint fashion when faced with something uncomfortable, he withdrew.

No…that’s not fair. To be perfectly honest, I withdrew as well. I think that night scared us both. Neither of us was prepared for the feelings that had seeped forth between us, nor were we ready to deal with them…

The whole month after we got back was a depressing blur. We didn’t so much as touch each other the whole time…nervous and awkward like two teenagers caught kissing in the hayloft. I thought for sure it was over right then and there…I mean…it was a fling after all, wasn’t it? It wasn’t going to last forever.

Funny…that logic didn’t stop the hurt.

Then the day came when the prodigal Joes returned. On our way out to the airstrip, I found myself in a tank with Roadblock and Flint. We were silent for while until I decided the whole thing was ridiculous and why shouldn’t we be able to speak to each other. We were friends after all…

So I mentioned that I didn’t know what to say to Stalker in the others…anything I would say would sound trite in the face of what they had been through. Flint looked up, surprised to hear my voice…and then with a shy smirk said that it was enough that I cared about them…they can tell. He went on and on about caring for people, awkwardly…which was odd given the fact that he is usually so eloquent …and I knew then and there that he wasn’t talking about Stalker anymore.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Roadblock smile and roll his eyes.

Anyhow…any Joe can tell you what happened next. Scarlett and Snakes had exited from the plane and while we walked back to the PIT in companionable silence, Flint blew up at them for leaving us in the dark and making fools of us in Grenada.

OOOOOOO…I was so angry with him. Leave it to Flint to put his foot in his mouth. Damn the man! I don’t know what came over me. Was it anger at him for being such a bloody idiot when all I could think of was how happy I was to have my friends back, or was it pent up frustration over the mess our relationship was that whole month? Whatever it was, his big mouth pushed me over the edge.

So what did I do? I decked him.

Yes…that’s right…I leveled him flat on the ground with a mean right hook.

Everyone stopped to watch…its not many people who can get away with doing that to Flint. He was a notorious fighter, and very proud. Now, here he was lying on the ground, holding his jaw as he got up to look at me…shock apparent in his eyes.

Before he could react…and I am certain he would have blown a gasket had I given him time to recover…I tore into him. I still remember what I said…

“Snakes and Scarlett did what they did so that you and I wouldn’t be implicated! Are you too boneheaded to comprehend that? You talked about caring about people before…don’t you understand that they went to a lot of trouble because they cared? Don’t you understand that they care about you as much as…as…”

I paused there in alarm. In my angry tirade I had slipped up. I had come close to revealing that I felt for him something more than just a fling…‘another guy’. Ah…but Flint was quick on the uptake and with a grin finished my sentence…

“…you do?”

That was all it took…he gathered me into his arms and from then on things went back to normal. Well…not exactly. After that night in Grenada, our ‘nocturnal encounters’ were forever colored by the sweet affection of that night. Dash had come out of his shell for me, and I don’t think Flint knew how to put him back. I don’t think he wants to.

Was it love? In hindsight I think it was…at least on my part, but I had yet to admit it to myself. As for Flint… he admitted he cared…but it was also around this time that he made the statement that love has no place in the military.

And at that point…it was enough.

My god…I have written EIGHT PAGES. OH MY GOD! I was supposed to be in Psych Out’s office ten minutes ago! Well…when I tell him I was writing in the Journal it should make him happy enough to forget my tardiness…

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