Too Sexy
By: Kat "Bruinhilda" Anderson


  Angus McGee wasn't much to look at. A skinny 5 foot 1, he was the 90-pound weakling personified. Classic hack literature would cast him as a brilliant geek, inventing amazing gadgets. Unfortunately for Angus, he wasn't a character in classic hack literature. He was a below-average intelligence thug working as a low-level courier for a smuggling ring. Normally, he was so low-level he escaped everyone's notice.

  That was before he started carrying stolen starstones for the local mob, however. His boss had thought that he'd make the perfect courier for such hot items. But Angus was totally incapable of keeping his mouth shut in a bar. Now, everyone and his great-aunt Petunia knew about him, his boss, and what they were dealing in.

  A smarter class of thug would have figured out that this was unhealthy, and vanished for a few months. Angus wasn't that smart. Doc found him chatting it up in a joint called "The Enigma Cafe", which seemed to cater to the pretentious. A blowsy, bleached blond hung on Angus's arm, giving the impression that every word he spoke sent her into ecstasy. Angus was so busy taking peeks down her dress that he didn't notice the fully uniformed Ranger until Doc tapped him on the shoulder.

  "Angus McGee? You're under arrest for suspicion of..." 

  Doc was cut off as Angus shrieked, threw his beer stein in the
ranger's face, and bolted for the door. The blond was unceremoniously dumped to the floor, where she started to wail.

  "Sorry, miss. Excuse me!" Doc leaped over her, and ran after Angus. The patronage watched them go, shrugged, and went back to their drinks.

  Good one, Hartford, he chided himself. You could have figured that a guy that small in this line of work would be a good runner. He pounded after the perp, gamely trying to close the distance between them. As luck would have it, there was no traffic, leaving the way open and clear. He figured he had a decent chance of outlasting him.

  Still, just in case... "Niko!" he barked into his com. "Angus is trying to break the record for the 100 yard dash down Fun Row. Headed south. Can you head him off?"

  "I'll try," she responded. Thirty seconds later, she appeared at the end of the street, running straight for Angus. McGee looked at her, looked behind him, and darted through a doorway on his left, ducking past the bouncer. Enraged, the man pursued him in. Doc followed.

  Music thumped in his ears, and bright spotlights blinded him. Disoriented, he stopped, and tried to get his bearings. Over the music, he could hear the sounds of women...squealing?

  I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts... The song was archaic, and resounded in the bar. No, wait, it wasn't exactly a bar, it was...

  Oh shit.

  "Ooo, come to arrest all of us naughty girls, officer?" cooed a trio of ladies at the foot of the stage. The stage he was standing on. In front of hundreds of women...

And I'm too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan
And I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
No way I'm disco dancing

  "C'mon, shake that booty, sugar!" another woman shouted. Doc started backing away.

  "Oh dear, the officer is shy. Let's help him, girls," an exotic looking woman shouted, climbing onto the stage with him. He turned to bolt back out, only to be faced with a gorgeous Asian woman.

  "How about a little Disco dancing, beautiful?" she cooed, pulling off his hat. Two women grabbed him from behind, and started to pull his shirt off.

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk.
Yeah on the catwalk On the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk...

  "Ladies, normally I would be delighted, but..." Doc broke free, and leaped off the stage, narrowly missing a table on the way down. Frantically, he looked for McGee. The bouncer seemed to be bodily shaking him at the counter across the room. Doc started for him.

And I am too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat.
Poor pussy poor pussy cat...

  A large felinoid woman stepped in front of him, whiskers arched forward. "Come to dance, Loverboy?" she purred.

  "Um, actually..." he started. A shout behind him interrupted.

  "I've got his handcuffs! Time for a citizen's arrest!" A large group of women mobbed him, cooing suggestively. Short of assault, he could see no way out.

  Zach's gonna kill me...

I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love.
Love's going to leave me...

  "I leave you alone for all of ten minutes, and you end up over your head. Do you have any idea how this is going to look on the report?"

  "I don't suppose I can ask you to leave this part out?" he asked Niko from his prone position. Frowning, he peered into the rafters. Was that a pair of underwear he saw riding the ceiling fan..?

  "That might be hard to do, considering that the bouncer here detained our suspect, and signed a sworn statement detailing the events of the arrest. Including the riot over you." Niko sounded vastly amused.

  Doc sighed, and closed his eyes. "Okay. Can I ask you to do something else for me, then?"

  "What?"

  "Could you find my pants?"

And I am too sexy for this song.

-End-

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